My Story, Part 4: “Hitting the Wall”
Well, that is an understatement. In the same week in the fall of 1987, two things happened. My wife came down for breakfast one morning and said, “We need to talk.” I said “Ok.”
She then said, “You are not the person I married —you are never here emotionally. When you are physically here, you are not really here with me. You are with your work. I have tried hard to pierce through your walls to no avail. I need a break. I would like to separate for a little while.” To show you how far gone I was, I responded, “I am sorry about that. We do need to talk. But, I need to rush to an important meeting now, can we talk about this tonight?”
It is so embarrassing to write that, but that is how out of it I was. I left for my meeting. I came home that night and was surprised to find a note on the table saying she had moved out and needed some time to think through all of this. I was floored. I loved her.
A few days later, my brother, who was a very successful cardiologist, called. We had jointly built a luxury used car dealership in Jacksonville Florida. He said, “Bro, I have bad news. There has been an embezzlement of over $1M dollars from the dealership and we have to come up with the money by the end of the week.” After I hung up, I collapsed on the floor crying. I had never cried before. Mr. Success (me) had in one week “lost” his wife and had his first big financial loss. Well, the “wake-up” calls weren’t over.
Then a week later, I had lunch with a senior recruiter about the CEO position of a very successful real estate development company where I was one of the two finalists. He said: “You are the most qualified person for this job. You have all the skills; but, I am not going to recommend you for the job. I asked him “why?” He said “because you are the type of person that will never be satisfied. You will always be looking for that bigger mountain to climb. I do not think you will stay more than two years with this Company. Your life is solely defined by your work. You need to work on being more than just being a success at work.”
Within a short time period, my life of success and invincibility was destroyed. I had to rebound. I could not fail. I trusted that I could find someone to help me, and I made inquiries with people in search of a really good executive coach-counselor. I found a wonderful, very experienced person who worked with me for over a year. She took me on a new journey of learning about emotions—transitioning me from being a human work machine to being more of a human being. Naturally, this affected all aspects of my life, in an immediate sense and ever since. It’s hard to underscore how this enhanced my way of being and the rest of my journey. Before these events, I didn’t know there could be a better version of myself. My definition of my best self was so limited. She helped me redefine what my ego identified with. No longer would I define myself by my “smartness.” I wanted to have more than meaningful work. I also wanted to have meaningful relationships with loved ones, dear friends, and people I worked with, too.
My wife and I reconciled during that process and we will celebrate our 39th year of marriage this fall. She is a great JOY in my life but she does remind me every once in a while that “I am still a work in progress”, which I embrace because I want to stay on my journey to Best Self.
